he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
