We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
