He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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