i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
