When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
4 words: hood of his car
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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