If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
