sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
