Need sex. Gaining weight.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
