Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
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