mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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