There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
