How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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