I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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