I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
