this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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