i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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