Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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