On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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