Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
