Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
