my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
