Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
