My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.