Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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