i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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