it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
