Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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