My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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