In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
