I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
