The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
