I just threw up on my dentist
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.