I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...