When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Oh god it's open bar.