I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.