my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
