I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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