Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
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We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
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Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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