I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
