I wish I only lived at night.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
