he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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