Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
