I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
