Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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