fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
