I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
