me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
