Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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