I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
