Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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