ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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