do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
