that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
