I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
