just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
